Loooong week

Well, this has been one of the longest weeks of my life.
My Mamaw went into the hospital last week following a Dr. apt. To be blunt, she has cancer. They know it is in the liver, but still are unable to determine if it is primary to the liver, or if it has metastasized. From what I have read, liver cancer makes up only 2% of cancers. Out of that 2%, it is usually found in those who have a past with alcohol, smoking, or hepatitis...which she doesn't. Today they said they know she has cancer, and instead of wasting more time detecting every place, they want to get the chemo started. They won't be doing surgery or radiation...and I'm assuming that is because it isn't just one place they have to focus on.
I lost my G-ma (grandmother)less than a year ago, I'm still far from over it. When you loose someone you care about, I don't care how old they are, or how much "life" they have gotten to live...when you loose someone...you miss them...period. She suffered from cancer for over 6 years...which was heartbreaking to watch. I am so glad her suffering is over and she is not in pain anymore, but that she has been healed and made whole again by our mighty Lord and Saviour. I am thankful for that...but I also miss her...I will always have a heart just short of being whole without her here.
So, to be still tending to wounds left by G-ma's death, it is just devastating to realize that my only other grandmother, my Mamaw, is now also suffering with cancer.
Cancer...I hate that word, it sounds so hateful. When I say it, I feel rage from somewhere deep start to bubble up and pour out. I'm hurt, I'm sad, confused, angry, scared, and feel so many other emotions that I don't even think have a name. If it weren't for my faith in a most capable God, I would be utterly lost right now. Just lost.
It just so happens that in the last couple weeks I have had a Bible study on sickness, and pastor Jason spoke a little about it. Sickness happens for a reason. I am trusting God to reveal that reason to us, so that Mamaw can be healed, in whatever way He sees fit, and so that glory can be brought to Him. I know that He, too has suffered and has felt loss and pain. I know He knows how I feel. I know He knows the very depths of my soul. I know that He knew about this day and this situation before any of us were ever conceived. I know He has a plan, and that in the end, no matter what the outcome, He knows what is best for my Mamaw. I know that she isn't in this fight alone, but that He will carry her through.
I can only ask for His forgiveness for the days when my faith wavers, and I forget about all that... when the sadness and anger overcome my day...and He will. I know He will carry me through this, too, along with my dad and my aunt...who are scared for their precious mother...who has been there for them all their life.
Mamaw's pastor said this..."We are all going to die, the only difference between me and you is that you now know how you might die. I could walk out today and die of a heart attack, or in a wreck. I may be gone long before you. It's ok to be scared and to cry. The Lord will get you through this in the way He knows you need to come through it." The words helped, and I'm thankful for them. They helped put somewhat of a perspective on this part of our journey, if that's even possible.
So, for right now, I want to take each day as it comes. I don't want to worry about tomorrow, but enjoy my time today. I want to be a great support for my Mamaw who has always given so much of herself to me. I am trying so hard to not do the "what if...." thing, but at night, when I'm laying in bed and can't sleep...those thoughts creep in and it's just overwhelming.
I am so thankful for my friends who keep up with the progress, but especially those who pray for her/us. Prayer is the best gift you can give. I am thankful that I am where I am at in my life right now so I can be there for my Mamaw, and where my dad and aunt are so they can be there with her at all times.
So, in closing for tonight...a small prayer.

Father GOD,
I come to you a bit broken, but faithful in your ability to restore me.
You know our hearts, and you know our struggles.
I ask that you give my Mamaw peace and comfort...take away her fears. Let her be in as little pain as possible. Let her faith be strong, and let her trust in you completely. Whatever your will is for her...for us...let us be accepting, and know that you know what is best for us. I pray that you heal all those who are suffering, in any way. I pray that we are able to savor each moment with those we love...and that we don't take them for granted. I ask that you give us clean slates, and let us start fresh right now...that our past be just that...the past. Please forgive us for when we do wrong, and let us forgive those who we hold grievances against. This life is too short to waste it on negative thoughts.
I thank you for this beautiful day, even amidst all the heartache it holds. I ask that we sleep well and wake to a new day filled with your blessings.
I ask these things in your most Holy name,
Amen.

putting a face to the name...

Mamaw & Izzy 2005