I have been over to Mamaw's almost every day for one thing or another, and every time it breaks my heart as I walk up the driveway, and glance into the kitchen window where I would see her making tea, coffee, or cooking up a meal. As hard as it is, I am trying NOT to stay away. After my G-ma passed in September last year, I stayed away from her home, I couldn't face it, and the longer I stayed away...the harder it was to go back. So, with Mamaw's house I wanted to stay close so that it wouldn't get the way it has with G-ma's house. As my mom said, the house is still there, but the heart of the house is gone. What a true statement.
I went with my dad to the cemetery yesterday. I stared at the heap of dirt covering the plot where they buried her...I could not believe my Mamaw's body was underneath it all, down in the ground...it hurt me. I panicked for a moment. I had to keep reminding myself that it was just her body, and that SHE is in Heaven.
Once in Bible study, Dana (who was leading the study), asked if we ever grew impatient with the Lord...ever wondered why it was taking him so long to come and take us back home with Him. I thought to myself "What a funny question. I know I am saved and going to Heaven when my life here is done...I am not afraid to die, but I don't want to will it on...the Lord will come when HE is ready".
Well, I think I understand her question now. Mamaw was my grandmother, I was prepared to loose her eventually (so I thought), but it has been incredibly hard on me. I think...if I am barely making it through this loss, how will I ever bury my parents, or possibly my siblings, my husband, my friends,...and we won't even go any further than that. I mean yes, I could die tomorrow before any of them, but if I don't, how will I ever get through it? I think for the first time, I truly longed for Him to come and take us home. I truly longed for Him to physically pick me up and hold and comfort me and wipe away my tears...I want to just be with him...to be able to bask in His glory and not worry about anything else.
I thought how I would never have to go through the pain and hurt and sadness again if He could just come and take us all home.
With that being said, I am trusting in Him...to heal me, and to take me and the rest of us home...when HE is ready. So, I will try my best not to grow impatient with Him, I will pray for patience, and for His will to be done in this life I lead.
On another subject...One more week until school starts back, can you believe it? Yikes! I have had to work double time to get some school shopping done! With Mamaw being sick, and then her passing, funeral, etc...my summer and quality time with the boys has been cut short. I am NOT ready for school to start back...I usually am about to pull my hair out, but this year I just want some more time with them. Truly though, our family's schedule has gotten to a ridiculous point...well, actually, there is no schedule. So, I guess it's good school is starting back, because it will FORCE me to get a schedule going again for us. I will so miss having lunches with Mamaw and Isabel during school days while the boys are in class...Texas Belle...light lunch w/ chicken salad, frozen dessert, tortilla soup (chips on the side so they wouldn't get soggy)...I will miss ordering that for her. Wow. Hard to think about that.
Anyway, I am looking forward to a fresh schedule, and getting some things done around the house...it is in desperate need of some TLC. Desperate, I tell you.
All we need to finish the shop is to get those garage doors up, which have been forever in waiting. Then I wanted to work on adding a bedroom so the boys wouldn't have to share a room. Change of plans. I decided I want to close in the patio first. Our kitchen is beyond the word TINY! I have inherited Mamaw's prize kitchen table (memories abound with that table) and I don't have a big enough space for it...we were already considering it and this just spurred us on. So, since the boys will be sharing a little bit longer, I am going to redo the room they have now. I want new furniture, a really good desk space and some organization! Their room is the worst in the house...they are totally different ages, personalities, and sharing tight quarters...so if anyone has any good ideas, I'm open! I want them to have a fresh new, calm, organized space to promote a good school year...and some Zen (what does that word really mean and can I actually use it as a Christian??). Andrew needs all the help he can get, he is totally scatter brained just like me! Oh well...to each his own.
I am also in the mood to repaint my bathroom...not sure where all this is coming from, it's not even Spring?!
FYI...our dog has NEVER had fleas...after reading Amy's post I decided to check her...HOLY FREAKIN' COW...there was a flea on my beautifully groomed princess! What?!! I rushed for the flea dip and got to scrubbin' ...I was kickin' butt and takin' names. The shampoo says it kills fleas for "up to a month" HA! "up to..." that could actually be for a day...this week I WILL have her @ the Vet's office for some serious applications...Frontline has ALWAYS worked for us...but they may have to whip up some special extra strong concoction for her, cause I ain't down with no fleas. Anyone know anything better than frontline? Fill a sista in!
Ok, one last note...I did bring several plants from Mamaw's patio to mine. My Mamaw LOVED hummingbirds, and always had several around her house, yard. We have never had any out here. Well, when I brought the plants out, a hummingbird showed up and has stayed around. I am going to get one of her feeders from her house and put it out on the patio with the plants...hopefully the bird will stick around. It just hovers at the window and stares in at us. David told me it was Mamaw saying Hello...I LOVE that...Mamaw just dropping in to check on us. Plus, the day after I brought them out here, a beautiful Hibiscus bloomed...to some, these may be little things...but for some reason they help comfort me.
Ok, well, I guess I should go to bed now. Those of you with school aged children, I know this next week or so is going to be CRAZY ...so I pray the Lord blesses you with a smooth transition and that all of you get great teachers/classrooms and have a great school year.
Blessings & Love to you all...
~K
PS...Thank you SO much to those of you that have kept us in your thoughts and prayers and for your kind words of sympathy after Mamaw's passing...and to those special people that even came to Family/Friends or the funeral...you are too kind, and I am thankful for you. God Bless.
2 comments:
Hey girl, Good to hear from you....I moved from Aikin to Justiss and have been teaching music there for (this is) 4 years. I love it, but if I had my way I'd be a SAHM for sure! God has other plans for me! I am so sorry to read about your Grandmother's passing. I know that must be terribly hard! I am a true believer in that little hummingbird and that hibiscus being signs that she is still with you!!! Take care!
I agree with Linds..the hummingbird and flower. That is for sure a "sign". I can't WAIT for next week!! I am totally with you on the fleas. Khaki got her frontline PLUS a week early this month! She had 2 fleas on her yesterday! She has an appt with the vet for her ears tomorrow and I plan to ask the vet tomorrow about the flea problem. I will let you know what he says. Im so sorry you are hurting so much. Just know how much you were loved by your mamaw and take comfort in the fact that you get to see her again!!! YAY!
Post a Comment