Spent

I titled this post Spent, because I am spent emotionally and physically. Warning: this could be draggy. Besides the thrush issue and then getting sick, I am getting headaches and nausea about every other day. I am still coughing and tired from being sick almost two weeks ago. I feel like my body is so exhausted it just isn't healing like it normally would. Also, I'm not sure why I'm nauseated every day. To add to the joy, I'm thinking Blake doesn't feel so good himself. He is super cranky, and not eating quite as much. 2nd Warning: Going to get a bit personal here. I started breastfeeding Blake from birth, and I quit a week ago. After the painful thrush and getting sick, it was just too much. I felt like 8 weeks of breastfeeding was at least 8 weeks, and much more than lots of kids get. The thing is, even though I made the choice to do so, I'm heartbroken about it. Blake was growing really well from MY milk. David asked what it was that was so special about breastfeeding (in a nice, caring way I mean). I told him, I just felt empowered as a Mom, I'm using the gift God gave me as a Mom, to nurture my child, to help him get what he needs and help him grow. I felt such an awesome bond with Blake, it was something no one else could do for him, and I was "good at it". It was also very tiring...not to ever get a break, and then I got sick, he got sick, and I was in terrible pain...so we switched to formula. But, I am sad about it, very sad. In fact, every time I think about it, I cry. Like right now, for instance. When I force myself to take a step back and look at the whole picture, I know it isn't just the breastfeeding...I'm just emotional...period. A newborn requires LOTS of care, pretty much non-stop care. Any Mother knows that. It's basically all I can do...the house isn't up to par, and I feel like a horrible, neglectful Mother to my other children. I can't keep up with the laundry, or scrubbing the tub, and my floors look terrible. I feel not good enough. I am very snappy. I feel like a failure as a Mother and wife several times a day. Then, there are also moments when I am able to remind myself not to sweat the small stuff, that this time will pass, and I will absolutely miss these days of my kids being "kids"...of Blake being a precious, tiny, infant (Is there really anything more perfect?). But, those times are few and far between these days. My body feels weak. I can't remember anything...I keep thinking my mind is going to "get back to normal", but it hasn't. And, I'm beginning to think it never will. I feel a little like I'm drowning, and there is no one there to help pull me out, or even throw me a life raft. The thing is, I know how to swim if I could just muster the energy and if my brain would let me remember how. So, that's where I am today, this week, this month. I'm spent. I'm thankful God never let's me feel totally hopeless, but I must be honest in saying this is as close as I've ever been to feeling that way. So, prayers are appreciated. Love you all :-)