Spent

I titled this post Spent, because I am spent emotionally and physically. Warning: this could be draggy. Besides the thrush issue and then getting sick, I am getting headaches and nausea about every other day. I am still coughing and tired from being sick almost two weeks ago. I feel like my body is so exhausted it just isn't healing like it normally would. Also, I'm not sure why I'm nauseated every day. To add to the joy, I'm thinking Blake doesn't feel so good himself. He is super cranky, and not eating quite as much. 2nd Warning: Going to get a bit personal here. I started breastfeeding Blake from birth, and I quit a week ago. After the painful thrush and getting sick, it was just too much. I felt like 8 weeks of breastfeeding was at least 8 weeks, and much more than lots of kids get. The thing is, even though I made the choice to do so, I'm heartbroken about it. Blake was growing really well from MY milk. David asked what it was that was so special about breastfeeding (in a nice, caring way I mean). I told him, I just felt empowered as a Mom, I'm using the gift God gave me as a Mom, to nurture my child, to help him get what he needs and help him grow. I felt such an awesome bond with Blake, it was something no one else could do for him, and I was "good at it". It was also very tiring...not to ever get a break, and then I got sick, he got sick, and I was in terrible pain...so we switched to formula. But, I am sad about it, very sad. In fact, every time I think about it, I cry. Like right now, for instance. When I force myself to take a step back and look at the whole picture, I know it isn't just the breastfeeding...I'm just emotional...period. A newborn requires LOTS of care, pretty much non-stop care. Any Mother knows that. It's basically all I can do...the house isn't up to par, and I feel like a horrible, neglectful Mother to my other children. I can't keep up with the laundry, or scrubbing the tub, and my floors look terrible. I feel not good enough. I am very snappy. I feel like a failure as a Mother and wife several times a day. Then, there are also moments when I am able to remind myself not to sweat the small stuff, that this time will pass, and I will absolutely miss these days of my kids being "kids"...of Blake being a precious, tiny, infant (Is there really anything more perfect?). But, those times are few and far between these days. My body feels weak. I can't remember anything...I keep thinking my mind is going to "get back to normal", but it hasn't. And, I'm beginning to think it never will. I feel a little like I'm drowning, and there is no one there to help pull me out, or even throw me a life raft. The thing is, I know how to swim if I could just muster the energy and if my brain would let me remember how. So, that's where I am today, this week, this month. I'm spent. I'm thankful God never let's me feel totally hopeless, but I must be honest in saying this is as close as I've ever been to feeling that way. So, prayers are appreciated. Love you all :-)

Sick...and manly things...

We are still working on the thrush issues. Also, last week I started coughing, then Sunday, after our church festival, I came home and started having chills. Took my temp...102. Nice. Or not. Anyway, I held out Monday thinking it was a 24 hour thing, but felt HORRIBLE and was not super hard caring for Blake while being so sick. Monday night was terrible, so Tuesday morning I got myself right to the doctor. Bronchitis, Pharyngitis, and Folliculitis. Sounded like a joke. I had a fabulous hair follicle that got infected, spread into a bacterial infection...or something like that. Anyway, for the past few days I have been MISERABLE. Today is the first day I've felt decent...but, I've pushed myself because I need to get back into the swing of things so badly. It only takes one day of me not getting things done around here and the household turns to crapola! Anyway, I hope to only improve over the next couple days.

Outside, the weather has been so great...I am LOVING it! I walked outside to find the hubs and Joseph "making" something from sticks. Looked manly to me. Isabel and I just watched. It was a bow and arrow. Hmmmm. Pretty cool. It actually worked. I decided to take a couple pics...the shadows were horrible...oh well :-) Isabel thought she would take a photo modeling with a stick...see, even with a stick, she's still cute :-)

Whataweek!

What a FULL and OVERFLOWING week this has already been. Baby B is 7 weeks old today. Time is just FLYING by. He has been shopping, out to eat, to a couple birthday parties, to visit the siblings @ school, to get coffee, to Mimi's house, etc, etc, etc. We continue to deal with thrush. It's nasty. I wonder if it hurts Blake, because I know it hurts ME. The script med is not really helping. We are going to try the violet medicine, which I am uber afraid of. I'm told it stains EVERYTHING. But, we have to get rid of the thrush. Blake also started meds yesterday for reflux...the first 24 hours he was like a brand new baby...sleeping better and absolutely no spitting up. David was amazed that it was working so quickly but I was afraid to get to happy, thinking it must be too good to be true. Well, the last couple hours he has been fussy. Hmmm. Babies can definitely be fussy...for so many reasons...so hopefully it's something temporary, and not the reflux bothering him again. I put him in the baby sling, which he seems to be getting used to, it's a new concept for both of us. We went outside to watch our middle two children, Joseph and Isabel jump on the trampoline. Our oldest, Andrew, wanted to put the sling on and give "baby wearing" a try. Why not? He did a pretty darn good job if I do say so myself, and I do say so :-)

The other kiddos (the ones I had before Blake hahaaa)are doing pretty good. They are all eager to help out, a little too eager at times. Isabel is torn between mother hen, and still wanting to be the baby herself. Advice? Anyone? It's definitely challenging (to say the least). It's really hard to spread yourself around and make sure ALL the kiddos in the house are getting the time and attention they deserve, when there is a brand new little one around who can do absolutely nothing for himself. It both exhausts me out and breaks my heart just thinking about all the mistakes I am potentially making right now. But, you live and you learn. And, as I said in the beginning of this post...time flies...they grow up so fast, and soon, I'm going to be missing these days...right? :-)


Me and my sweet boy...

Andrew, trying out the sling...

Me, trying to capture and UNhappy Blake from above...

Deuces, yall...

6 weeks...

Let me just say that I completely torn between being elated and heartbroken at the same time. Baby Blake turned 6 weeks on Wednesday. I am elated to have a happy, thriving, overall healthy, beautiful baby. I am heartbroken that he is growing so fast. As a Mom, I think that's normal, though. He still seems so new, yet life without him seems like a distant memory.

Overall, he is doing well. He has thrush at the moment, which he passed on to me, via breastfeeding. It's better now, but I must admit was HORRIBLE and the pain just about caused me to give up breastfeeding all together. But, we are both taking medicine, and hope it will be gone soon, either way, it's much better than it was.
He is growing...he was born @ 7.4 pounds and now is somewhere between 10 and 11 pounds. I've already had to pack away his newborn clothing, and did good not to break down in tears.

He was born with a place on his head, the doctor referred to it as nevus sebaceous, and said it will have to be removed in a few years. He told me a few other things about it that were kind of scary. I came home and did some searching on the internet, which I should NOT have done. Kind of freaked me out. But, for now, we leave it alone and I just try to keep my mind off of it, after all, God is in control here!

Everyone asks how I am. I'm ok. Lot's of people say I look tired. I am. I really don't like hearing I look that way, though...a wee bit depressing. Everyone thinks because Blake is number 4 that I've got this "Mom thang" down and things are just falling into place. Not so. Blake is definitely our most challenging baby thus far. Don't get me wrong, he is an overall good baby, and he's not colic or anything...he is just far more demanding, and cries more than any of our other three. My other three, as infants, were so close to perfect, that I think they must've spoiled me, because I'm having a bit of a rough time with Blake. But, he is amazing and beautiful and precious...and when I have moments I can just sit still and stare at him, I get teary eyed knowing we planned NOT to have him, and he made it anyway. God is good.

Blake's biggest achievement thus far is smiling. It's fabulous and melts my heart. He's only done it a few times (not counting times in his sleep or when it's just a natural movement...ya know, like when people say "That's just gas" haha). His first real smile was last week...there is nothing better than seeing his sweet face lock eyes with me and grin at me...his Mommy. So, happy 6 weeks to our little miracle!

Welcome to the World...

Blake Brewer, Sept. 8th, 7 lbs and 4 ozs.




I must admit, my toughest delivery yet, though not bad compared to some stories I've heard from other women. Let's just say I have a whole new respect for the women who have to push for hours...I did not...but the pain and the pushing were far worse than with my other three...whew! This was the first labor that I screamed with or said unkind things to people...which I later apologized for, thankyaverymuch.
I know most newborns do change, but Blake looked like one person the minute he came out, and a couple hours later, he had a whole new look. Crazy! I think he looks like Joseph, but with darker skin and hair...David thinks he has different features of all three of our other children, but ultimately has his "own look". Either way, he is precious, sweet, and beautiful! God is SOOOOO amazing...SO amazing. He knew we made plans to stop at three kids, but made a way for us to have a fourth...we didn't know that's what we wanted/needed...but he is the absolutely perfect addition to our family. As of today he is 13 days old, and I don't even recall life without him...(I mean, you know)...it just feels so natural to have him here, in our lives, in our family. His 2 brothers and his sister completely adore him, he has actually helped bring them somewhat together, they are fighting and arguing less with each other, and constantly wanting to help with baby Blake. I am tired, for sure, but blessed beyond what words could ever tell. Thank you, Jesus, for the sweet blessings of all four of our children, they are each so unique and I pray as they grow that they follow You and Your will for them. Life is good♥

Change is a comin'

In two days I am scheduled for an induction if I don't go into labor before then. I'm excited, anxious, and a bit frazzled. Where have the 9 months of pregnancy gone? With my other three pregnancies, it seemed to drag on forever, where this one has snuck by me incredibly fast. When I think about the pains, and sleeplessness, etc...it does seem like I've been dealing with it forever. But, when I think about pregnancy lasting 9 months, it feels like we just broke the news a few weeks ago to family and friends and we should still have a few months to go. Either way, the time is upon us. I don't think, wait, I KNOW, none of my other pregnancies have affected me emotionally near as much as this one has. Granted, there have been some other big things going on in our lives that have probably added to my emotional state, but still, this has been a bit of a rough go for me. I go between feeling ultimately blessed that the Lord chose to gift us with another sweet child, and then feeling overwhelmed. What does the Lord see in me that I don't? Doesn't he see me already struggling trying to do things "right" with the family I have, how am I ever going to succeed with yet another one thrown into the mix? But, I know that no matter what, the Lord is with me, He will help me through this just as He has every other thing in my life. I know He has a better, a greater, a more awesome plan for me...for my family. I love and trust in Him alone. So, I am nervous...I am a little worried...I'm even a bit scared...but I'm also hopeful, excited, and happy. I can't wait to meet this new life that is about to be here...one that David and I created with God's help. A new brother for Andrew, Joseph, and Isabel. I am dying to see who he takes after in the looks and personality departments. I am excited to see just who this little one is that the Lord has choose to add into our family. Whatever he looks like, whoever he acts like, I know he will be the perfect fit. So, tomorrow the other three kids start back to school, and the next day we bring a new baby into our lives. Change is DEFINITELY a comin' :-)

Wowza

First, I can't believe a little over 2 more weeks and the kiddos will be headed back to school. They have had a super long Summer, getting out back in May because of flex scheduling and not going back until after Labor day because of our new high school being built (which I can't wait to see, I've heard it's awesome!). I feel like my kiddos have been "jipped" this Summer. First, this Summer has been during my last trimester of pregnancy. A fat, hot, tired, pregnant woman doesn't make for much fun. I've had little to no energy and pretty much no patience. Usually we are much more active and doing this and that, so, I feel guilty, but hopefully we can make up for it next Summer. Also, we always take a vacation, and couldn't this year because of David's job situation.

Speaking of David's job, he is going to get to stay on longer than we though, which is a true blessing. However, his shift is changing to night. I am a bit stressed, because this means I will be solely responsible for dinner, bath, bedtimes, etc, along with caring for a newborn all night by myself. Not to mention, I'm used to having my hubby here, with us, home, at night. He will get home very early in the morning and won't be able to stay up long enough to take them to school, I'm sure. So, I will also have to get the other 3 up and ready and off to their different schools (riding the bus isn't an option since we live out of district), no matter how tired and crappy I look, LOL, or how much the baby has been up the previous night. So, we are definitely up for some challenges, and it won't be easy, but God hasn't failed us thus far, and I know He will continue to care and provide for us. If you feel so led, please say a prayer for our family during this time of transition. Again, I know we are still blessed, just going to take some getting used to. And, if you see me out in public, looking rather wretched, like I should've never left the house that way...please be kind anyway. :-)


Anyway, a couple of weeks back, my sweet friends threw me a baby shower. It was perfect! My cousin brought a cake in to town for the shower that her MIL made, it matches baby Blake's bedding (hope we don't change his name again LOL)

The one picture of me opening gifts where I wasn't making an absolutely hideous face (and too bad because I got some SUPER cute stuff)!

And, for some reason I didn't get enough photos with people, then again, I HATE taking photos..hate it, but I have to throw this one in there because it's me and my bf...we have been friends for about 17 years...our friendship has truly weathered so much, and I'm thankful for her...

*note the adorable corsage they had made for me in brown and blue flowers and baby stockings...loved it!

So, that about sums it up for now. I have a little over 3 weeks until my due date, and I have an appointment Monday, so I'm curious to see what the doctor says this week! I'm getting pretty anxious, and ready to meet the little boy who has been growing in my belly!