When letting go is harder than you thought it would be...

My sweet boys...Joseph was 3 and Andrew was 7. Time flies. 

                When you have a baby, I think most parents have so many hopes and dreams for that child. The hubs and I were so young when we had our first child. But still, I have always had hopes and dreams for him. I hear some parents dreaming about their children becoming doctors or lawyers or “marrying into money,”, but  I never really hoped he would have a specific career or marry a certain person or even that he would have a certain financial status. My one true hope, is that he would follow Christ.

See, I knew that if he followed Christ, everything else would fall into place.

As the years go by, sometimes you find yourself thinking about the day that your child goes off to college or moves out…some parents are excited at the thought and some are sad.

I have always known that our children, really, are not even ours. They are God’s. But God has given us watch and responsibility over them for our time on earth. That is a really hard concept. 

You look at the child that is part of you, that you love more than anything else on earth, and wonder how, in the bigger scheme of things, they are not even yours. Mind Blowing.

I know from the time we had our first, until today, and probably forever, that my heart walks around outside of my body and goes wherever my children go…even if I am not always physically with them.

I think it is natural (at least to some parents) to want to hover over them and protect them from everything scary and bad and hurtful. But, our true place as a parent, is to help give them a heart for God, and teach them how to be responsible for themselves, so that they can live life without our constant presence one day.

You always know the day will come, that your child will go out into the great big and wide world on their own. ( Well, unless you have one of those failure to launch types J )

Sometimes it’s done with lots of planning and preparation, and sometimes it just happens all of a sudden, with no time to get used to the idea.

But, the closer that time comes, the more reality starts to set in, and the scarier it can become.

I’ll be honest. Thinking about my husband and I having “our own life” again, sounds exciting, but if you want to know the feels in my heart of hearts…I would have all four of our kids live with us forever and I would hover over them trying my best to protect them from anything ugly in this harsh world.

But then I have to take a deep breath and let God remind me of some things.

God has a plan for each of us, including each of our children. Hurts, trials, mistakes…they GROW us. If we don’t go through hard things, we don’t grow in Christ. We don’t find out just how reliable He is. The more things that come our way, the more we lean on God, the more we realize our desperate need for Him. So, if I hover over my kids, protecting them from the world, my honest side has to admit that I would be totally stepping in the way of allowing God to be the one helping them and walking them though a trial, and ultimately, growing them into the individual that He has planned.

He made plans for them before we Mothers ever even feel them kick and move from inside our body. He made plans for them long before the thought of surrogacy or adoption ever entered our minds.

Jeremiah 29:11 says this:

For I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord, plans for welfare and not for evil, to give you a future and a hope

A popular verse, so it’s easy to look over the power behind it.

But Dude. This verse is for US. For our CHILDREN. For our NEICES and NEPHEWS. And Grandbabies. For our friend struggling with addiction. For our friend going through divorce. For days when we are without a clue (which is pretty much every day for me)…He is always and constantly FOR US.

God is for us. He is SO FOR US. 

He loves our kids even more than we do, which is absolutely impossible to wrap our minds around, but we have to step out in faith and lay claim on that promise.

He is with our children, even we are not, even when we can’t be, even when we want to be but for all kinds of reasons we are not.

For years I have been praying for the future of my children…not just today and the troubles it brings, but for the future. I pray for their future spouses. It is so worth investing that prayer time in their future. If you haven’t started yet, it’s never too late.

I guess as our oldest is so close to turning 18 and being an “adult”, all this has been heavy on my mind and my heart.  His dad and I simply cannot make choices for him. We cannot go with him wherever he goes. We cannot protect him. A gut-wrenching truth.

Throughout the day, crazy thoughts about it all race through my mind. Will he make it? I know he will stumble, but will he get back up? Will he make it safely to the other side? 

But at night, when I lay my head down, peace washes over me as I pray. I know God knows my heart. He knows my desires and my deepest fear as a parent. He walks though it with me. He watched His one and only Son, sacrificed on a cross…but then He brought Him home. Now they are in Paradise, together. I know my son is also God’s child. I know He has the same plan for him. He may have some rough times on this earth, but in the end, He is going to get him home safely.

Father God, you know our hearts, as parents. You know how, as sinners, in need of your amazing grace, our faith waivers. We need you. We claim the promise you have laid, to watch over us and care for us and deliver us to safety. No matter what age, Lord God, we ask that you go with us and our children wherever this earthly life takes them. Guide them, protect them, grow them into who YOU have planned for them to be. Let them follow you always, God. Help them to know, that even in mistakes, even in sin, You are there to set them back on solid ground. You never forsake us. Fill us with peace. Take away the fear. Thank you that you are a capable God. Thank you that even when we fail to do right by you as parents, that your Grace overflows into our lives and our childrens’ lives. Thank you for your constant care. In your Hands, Father. Amen.

***Okay, done with deep thoughts for the day. My brain hurts.

PS. Just because this was such as serious post (as most of my blogs are…simply because I usually post when I’m in deep thought and in need of free therapy which comes through the movement of my fingers across the keyboard J I would like to add one lighthearted thing:

Blake took his first skinny-dip in our backyard yesterday. I have this conclusion…He is very prideful about the fact that he is a boy J

Go with him, Lord! Please help him not to be a nudist or a male stripper, Lord. Amen!

The trials are over...sike! When you are stuck in the Valley of Baka...

     

      So you guys, I was just telling someone the other day that I think life is one big season of learning. Maybe I'm behind. Maybe some of you already have all this figured out. 
 Life has different chapters, sure, but I USED to think God only wanted to teach me a lesson every now and then. I only needed growth and reminder SOMETIMES. However, I have come to the place, where I am content, knowing that as long as I live on earth, there will be trials. Don't misunderstand. I didn't say I was happy with being in the midst of a trial, I said that I was content with whatever lot God has given me during my time on earth. Although, lots of happy times are tossed around in there, too. 

I feel like I am just going out of one long, rather enduring trial that has gone on for the past couple of years. And wouldn't you know, a brand new trial has already been laid before me. I am not yet ready to talk specifics about the trial. But, just making my point, that we constantly have opportunities to learn and to grow. Think about it. When have you NOT been facing some sort of trial? Sometimes they are small and sometimes they are big, but there is always something. Also, just because we are in a trial , doesn't mean we can't have peace, contentment, and even joy, along the way. We are able to have those things in the midst of a heady trial, only because of God's grace, I realize. 

As I contemplate my latest trial, I came to Psalm 84. Isn't Psalms a place you just want to camp out? It is a place of such hope for me. 

As I read through those verses, I got to this part, 

"Blessed are those whose strength is in you,
    whose hearts are set on pilgrimage.
6 As they pass through the Valley of Baka,
    they make it a place of springs;
    the autumn rains also cover it with pools."


I was thinking, "Okay, Lord. My strength is for sure in you. I mean, yes, I totally try to do things in my own strength, but in my heart of hearts, anything I accomplish, is because of your strength, God." 
But then I read about the Valley of Baka, and how they make it a place a of springs. I realized that if it was made a place of streams, it must not have previously been a place of springs. In fact, I bet it was the OPPOSITE of a place of springs. So, I decided to do a tiny bit of research. 
I read that it also means "Valley of the Weeper". Oh...Well...Perfect place for me, as I have been doing quite a bit of weeping lately. I also know that "springs" are refreshing...and a good thing.

So the picture God shows me is this:
I'm in the Valley of Baka..Maybe you're there, too. 
It's dry, it's parched, it's a desperate place that we really have no interest in. If we could, we would take the first train out...heck, the first camel out...anything...just to get away from the heat of the trial...just to run the complete opposite way of the pain. 
 But, if we trust God with our whole hearts, and press forward...if we trudge through the valley, even while our tears are many and streaming down our dusty face, God uses those tears to turn the valley, the horrible place, into something beautiful and refreshing and LIFE-GIVING. 

You know, it's almost sickening just how sticky sweet God's goodness is. Except, we need that grace so badly, that instead of being sickening, we are just nothing but blessed. He is just so good to us, you guys. 
This life on earth, it's not heaven. It's not our home. Bad things happen here. Bad people live here. Hard lives happen. But this is not the end of the story, friends. For those that persevere with God, we will SO be delivered from the harshness that is offered up to us at every turn. 
I am DOWN with that. So down with that. 

So, I may not love trials. But I love my God. I trust Him. I know He is for me...and for you. If I am going through a trial, I know there is a purpose. If I feel God sending me into the Valley of Baka, I don't want to tell Him no. I know He is going to turn it all around for me into something more beautiful than I could ever dream up. If he can turn a desert into a place filled with springs, HOLY SMOKES, what can He do with our lives? Remember how he cares for even the birds?  Matthew 6:26,
 " Look at the birds of the air; they do not sow or reap or store away in barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not much more valuable than they?"

We are His, and we are valuable to Him. That is why He doesn't desert us while we are in the hard places. He doesn't just get us started and then say, "OH! Your faith only bought you enough for me to get you started. Your on your own now. See you on the other side."
No, no, no. We serve a God who never needs to rest, who never grows weary, and who we don't have to EARN grace from. He sticks it out with us, every step of the way. If that doesn't offer us an overwhelming storehouse of peace, well...then I don't know what does. 

So, again, while I may not be thrilled to be in this trial. I am content. God is enough...today...and for the rest of my days on earth. 

So, I encourage you...if you are going through a trial, if you are in that dry and dusty valley, go ahead... let the tears flow...let them out...but please KNOW that God is going to use those tears, He is going to use the trial. He is going to use you. He is going to whittle and weave and paint and plaster and create a masterpiece out of it all...out of us all.

And quite honestly, I CANNOT WAIT to see the finished product of our lives lived out for Him, brothers and sisters. Thankfully that work of art has already been bought and paid in full. 

Entering the trial a little afraid, a lot weepy, and very shakily, but also knowing that even if some chapters are rough, the ending is going to be great... :)