The post where I ramble...

I just want to say that I watched the show Intervention tonight. It was absolutely heartbreaking. Heart. wrenching. It makes me so incredibly sad. This show has actually taught me quite a bit about addiction. I have family members, close family members, who were or are addicted to various drugs. They have done things to others because of their addiction that have really hurt others, I won't even get into those details. But, let me just say, quite frankly, it always pissed me off (I know that sounds tacky, I usually don't use that word...well, unless something really does piss me off). Gosh that sounds tacky. But, I refuse to replace it with another word. Anyway, I just thought it was ridiculous some of the things they did/do. But, after watching the show I see that the addiction takes over their lives, it's the drug that makes them make all those horrible choices. The drug kills the person you know, and there is just a sad, angry, lost soul left behind. It hurts to even watch. Don't get me wrong, I still hold them responsible, because they chose to try the drug in the first place. But, I do have more compassion for their struggle now. Anyway, the whole reason I bring this up is this: It scares me to death...the fact that those parents never thought their children would be addicts, and now their lives are RIPPED apart. Even the loved ones and family/friends that don't actually do the drug...their lives can be ruined just by having an addict in their family. Some of them come from troubled homes, but I think just as many had "normal" upbringings. That shakes me to the core. I can't imagine having to ever see my children struggle in this way, or living "that life". So, we as parents must pray NOW for our little ones...that God would protect them from any stronghold that would prevent them from living the life that God has planned for them...pray that they are kept free from ANY addiction. It's never too early to start praying for our children's future.

On a MUCH lighter note, Isabel decided to get her hair cut. She wanted it up to her chin. I still wanted to be able to pull it out of her face, and that short seemed a bit drastic. So, we went shoulder length, and I figure if she still wants it short, in the Spring we may go ahead and do it chin length. We shall see. Anyway, it's so adorable...we LOVE it!



Also! Christmas was fantastic! I hope my Mamaw and Gma enjoyed celebrating Jesus' birthday in person...I can't wait until I get to do the same. I am in awe that we are starting the year 2011. In awe. How did we get here? How did it happen? WOW! Anyway, hope everyone had a blessed, fabulous Christmas!

Happy Birthday, Jesus!

I don't get it. I don't understand why some people make such a fuss about the details of Christ's birth and how/why we celebrate. I celebrate Christmas because I am a Christian...I believe in God and the fact that He sent His son, Jesus, to save us. So, maybe December 25Th isn't the right day. Maybe December isn't the right month. I wasn't there when Christ entered this world, but Christmas is a time to celebrate the fact that He did come. For us. Was He born in a barn? Maybe not. Does it matter? Weather it was in a barn, or in a house...the fact is he had a rather humble entrance, when He deserved MUCH better. He is my King. I will honor and adore Him, and not get caught up in the silly little "what ifs". I know He came to Earth. For me. For you. For all of us. I don't care what the naysayers can "prove"...my faith sustains me...He sustains me. I am so thankful, that so many years ago, I was loved and cared about before I was even knit together in my mother's womb, that my children, and grandchildren to be, were loved...were thought of.
Happy Glorious Birthday, Christ Jesus! My Savior, my Redeemer, my true Father.

For a child is born to us,
a son is given to us.
The government will rest on his shoulders.
And he will be called:
Wonderful Counselor,Mighty God,
Everlasting Father, Prince of Peace
Isaiah 9:6

Teens...Eeeek!

If you have a child, they are inevitably going to turn into a teen. There is simply no way around it. We have four kids, and they are pretty spread out, age wise. Well, at least I call 14 years, 9 years, 5 years, and 3 months old, spread out. I was young when I had our first child. So, I have always been a "young" Mom with him...at school and sporting events and the like. With the middle two children, I'm about an average age Mom. And while 31 isn't on old age to have a child, I think I will be on the older side of Moms when our baby Blake starts school. I guess my point is that with our oldest, who is now a teenager, it seems like it wasn't that long ago that I was a teenager myself (even though he is sure it was ages ago). So, I feel like I should know quite a bit about that stage of life, it hasn't been tooooo long, and I'm not that forgetful. Yet. The problem is this: I know all about being a teenage girl, but nothing about being a teenage boy. Oh my. For our oldest, things started changing about 2 years ago. Dare I even say the word, "puberty". Ugh. I am not comfortable with stuff like this. I know I should be, with four kids and all. But, yikes...I am not. I remember several years back, we were riding along in the car, Andrew (our oldest) in the front seat beside me, staring ever so intently under his arm. I asked, "What are you doing???" Andrew replied, "Looking for puberty, Mom!!" Haaaaaaa! It is one of my favorite memories of him, I almost had to pull over because I was beside myself with laughter. I knew he meant he was looking for arm pit hairs, which were a sign of puberty, but how he said it just killed me! After I could calm down though, I thought to myself, "Oh my word, this child is going to go through that stage, and I'm going to have to deal with it". Not the best realization I've ever had to come to. Anyway, I'm rambling on a bit here, but I'm just amazed how my son, in a couple of short years, has gone from a little boy, to a young man. He even has a mustache (of sorts). I have had several talks with him about "stuff" but I am constantly wondering if I am talking to him enough, if I'm getting through to him...if he's comfortable with it? Will he ask questions and talk to me when he needs to or will he be too embarrassed? Will I miss something important? My biggest issue is sex. I have talked with him about the importance of waiting until he is married. I have explained that's how God designed it. But, let's be honest here...a lot of kids Don't wait. I didn't. His dad didn't. And he knows that it's something I regret, I tried to talk openly about it with him, without sharing too many details. So, I don't know if it's right to continue to push waiting until he's married (I mean, I know it's right to push that but is that ALL I should push?)...but should I also push birth control, etc, knowing that he may not wait? On one hand I don't want to act like that's an option, not waiting until marriage, but on the other, I don't want to be a grandmother any time soon...and I don't want my son to get an STD that is so rampant these days. Wow. It's overwhelming having a child this age. Then, there are the talks about drugs, alcohol, peer pressure, fitting in, etc, etc. The biggest thing I feel I can do is pray for him. Pray that God keeps him free from any addiction, any abuse, and unGodly strongholds in his life. I pray that he is confident in who he is, never feels the need to impress anyone, and lives for his Savior, and Him alone. I love my son, he is an awesome child...but I admit, I am not in love with having a teen and all these "issues" to deal with. Since he's the first...the oldest...it's pretty much trial and error with him (poor guy!) and I'm sure I will learn and grow with him, and handle it much better with his two brothers who will go through all this later in life. And. We won't even talk about Isabel. Teen years...with a girl. Oh my. Lord, be with me.

I love...

The way he is milky and drowsy after eating
How just when he falls into a deep sleep he lets out a sweet sigh
His toothless, gummy grin, complete with dimples
When his eyes search my face and then lock onto my own eyes
The way he sucks and sucks on his paci until he is so tired that it just falls out of his mouth
When he is asleep on my chest
How he still "roots" when he is next to me
His perfect little toes and fingers
How he likes his hair being washed
His coos (he is really trying to say something, ya know)
The way he smells
The way his face lights up when his siblings are entertaining him
Just holding him next to me
Just the fact that he's mine....

These are just a FEW of the things I love about our newest addition, and as you can see I'm not quite as spent as I was with my last post :-)

Spent

I titled this post Spent, because I am spent emotionally and physically. Warning: this could be draggy. Besides the thrush issue and then getting sick, I am getting headaches and nausea about every other day. I am still coughing and tired from being sick almost two weeks ago. I feel like my body is so exhausted it just isn't healing like it normally would. Also, I'm not sure why I'm nauseated every day. To add to the joy, I'm thinking Blake doesn't feel so good himself. He is super cranky, and not eating quite as much. 2nd Warning: Going to get a bit personal here. I started breastfeeding Blake from birth, and I quit a week ago. After the painful thrush and getting sick, it was just too much. I felt like 8 weeks of breastfeeding was at least 8 weeks, and much more than lots of kids get. The thing is, even though I made the choice to do so, I'm heartbroken about it. Blake was growing really well from MY milk. David asked what it was that was so special about breastfeeding (in a nice, caring way I mean). I told him, I just felt empowered as a Mom, I'm using the gift God gave me as a Mom, to nurture my child, to help him get what he needs and help him grow. I felt such an awesome bond with Blake, it was something no one else could do for him, and I was "good at it". It was also very tiring...not to ever get a break, and then I got sick, he got sick, and I was in terrible pain...so we switched to formula. But, I am sad about it, very sad. In fact, every time I think about it, I cry. Like right now, for instance. When I force myself to take a step back and look at the whole picture, I know it isn't just the breastfeeding...I'm just emotional...period. A newborn requires LOTS of care, pretty much non-stop care. Any Mother knows that. It's basically all I can do...the house isn't up to par, and I feel like a horrible, neglectful Mother to my other children. I can't keep up with the laundry, or scrubbing the tub, and my floors look terrible. I feel not good enough. I am very snappy. I feel like a failure as a Mother and wife several times a day. Then, there are also moments when I am able to remind myself not to sweat the small stuff, that this time will pass, and I will absolutely miss these days of my kids being "kids"...of Blake being a precious, tiny, infant (Is there really anything more perfect?). But, those times are few and far between these days. My body feels weak. I can't remember anything...I keep thinking my mind is going to "get back to normal", but it hasn't. And, I'm beginning to think it never will. I feel a little like I'm drowning, and there is no one there to help pull me out, or even throw me a life raft. The thing is, I know how to swim if I could just muster the energy and if my brain would let me remember how. So, that's where I am today, this week, this month. I'm spent. I'm thankful God never let's me feel totally hopeless, but I must be honest in saying this is as close as I've ever been to feeling that way. So, prayers are appreciated. Love you all :-)

Sick...and manly things...

We are still working on the thrush issues. Also, last week I started coughing, then Sunday, after our church festival, I came home and started having chills. Took my temp...102. Nice. Or not. Anyway, I held out Monday thinking it was a 24 hour thing, but felt HORRIBLE and was not super hard caring for Blake while being so sick. Monday night was terrible, so Tuesday morning I got myself right to the doctor. Bronchitis, Pharyngitis, and Folliculitis. Sounded like a joke. I had a fabulous hair follicle that got infected, spread into a bacterial infection...or something like that. Anyway, for the past few days I have been MISERABLE. Today is the first day I've felt decent...but, I've pushed myself because I need to get back into the swing of things so badly. It only takes one day of me not getting things done around here and the household turns to crapola! Anyway, I hope to only improve over the next couple days.

Outside, the weather has been so great...I am LOVING it! I walked outside to find the hubs and Joseph "making" something from sticks. Looked manly to me. Isabel and I just watched. It was a bow and arrow. Hmmmm. Pretty cool. It actually worked. I decided to take a couple pics...the shadows were horrible...oh well :-) Isabel thought she would take a photo modeling with a stick...see, even with a stick, she's still cute :-)

Whataweek!

What a FULL and OVERFLOWING week this has already been. Baby B is 7 weeks old today. Time is just FLYING by. He has been shopping, out to eat, to a couple birthday parties, to visit the siblings @ school, to get coffee, to Mimi's house, etc, etc, etc. We continue to deal with thrush. It's nasty. I wonder if it hurts Blake, because I know it hurts ME. The script med is not really helping. We are going to try the violet medicine, which I am uber afraid of. I'm told it stains EVERYTHING. But, we have to get rid of the thrush. Blake also started meds yesterday for reflux...the first 24 hours he was like a brand new baby...sleeping better and absolutely no spitting up. David was amazed that it was working so quickly but I was afraid to get to happy, thinking it must be too good to be true. Well, the last couple hours he has been fussy. Hmmm. Babies can definitely be fussy...for so many reasons...so hopefully it's something temporary, and not the reflux bothering him again. I put him in the baby sling, which he seems to be getting used to, it's a new concept for both of us. We went outside to watch our middle two children, Joseph and Isabel jump on the trampoline. Our oldest, Andrew, wanted to put the sling on and give "baby wearing" a try. Why not? He did a pretty darn good job if I do say so myself, and I do say so :-)

The other kiddos (the ones I had before Blake hahaaa)are doing pretty good. They are all eager to help out, a little too eager at times. Isabel is torn between mother hen, and still wanting to be the baby herself. Advice? Anyone? It's definitely challenging (to say the least). It's really hard to spread yourself around and make sure ALL the kiddos in the house are getting the time and attention they deserve, when there is a brand new little one around who can do absolutely nothing for himself. It both exhausts me out and breaks my heart just thinking about all the mistakes I am potentially making right now. But, you live and you learn. And, as I said in the beginning of this post...time flies...they grow up so fast, and soon, I'm going to be missing these days...right? :-)


Me and my sweet boy...

Andrew, trying out the sling...

Me, trying to capture and UNhappy Blake from above...

Deuces, yall...

6 weeks...

Let me just say that I completely torn between being elated and heartbroken at the same time. Baby Blake turned 6 weeks on Wednesday. I am elated to have a happy, thriving, overall healthy, beautiful baby. I am heartbroken that he is growing so fast. As a Mom, I think that's normal, though. He still seems so new, yet life without him seems like a distant memory.

Overall, he is doing well. He has thrush at the moment, which he passed on to me, via breastfeeding. It's better now, but I must admit was HORRIBLE and the pain just about caused me to give up breastfeeding all together. But, we are both taking medicine, and hope it will be gone soon, either way, it's much better than it was.
He is growing...he was born @ 7.4 pounds and now is somewhere between 10 and 11 pounds. I've already had to pack away his newborn clothing, and did good not to break down in tears.

He was born with a place on his head, the doctor referred to it as nevus sebaceous, and said it will have to be removed in a few years. He told me a few other things about it that were kind of scary. I came home and did some searching on the internet, which I should NOT have done. Kind of freaked me out. But, for now, we leave it alone and I just try to keep my mind off of it, after all, God is in control here!

Everyone asks how I am. I'm ok. Lot's of people say I look tired. I am. I really don't like hearing I look that way, though...a wee bit depressing. Everyone thinks because Blake is number 4 that I've got this "Mom thang" down and things are just falling into place. Not so. Blake is definitely our most challenging baby thus far. Don't get me wrong, he is an overall good baby, and he's not colic or anything...he is just far more demanding, and cries more than any of our other three. My other three, as infants, were so close to perfect, that I think they must've spoiled me, because I'm having a bit of a rough time with Blake. But, he is amazing and beautiful and precious...and when I have moments I can just sit still and stare at him, I get teary eyed knowing we planned NOT to have him, and he made it anyway. God is good.

Blake's biggest achievement thus far is smiling. It's fabulous and melts my heart. He's only done it a few times (not counting times in his sleep or when it's just a natural movement...ya know, like when people say "That's just gas" haha). His first real smile was last week...there is nothing better than seeing his sweet face lock eyes with me and grin at me...his Mommy. So, happy 6 weeks to our little miracle!

Welcome to the World...

Blake Brewer, Sept. 8th, 7 lbs and 4 ozs.




I must admit, my toughest delivery yet, though not bad compared to some stories I've heard from other women. Let's just say I have a whole new respect for the women who have to push for hours...I did not...but the pain and the pushing were far worse than with my other three...whew! This was the first labor that I screamed with or said unkind things to people...which I later apologized for, thankyaverymuch.
I know most newborns do change, but Blake looked like one person the minute he came out, and a couple hours later, he had a whole new look. Crazy! I think he looks like Joseph, but with darker skin and hair...David thinks he has different features of all three of our other children, but ultimately has his "own look". Either way, he is precious, sweet, and beautiful! God is SOOOOO amazing...SO amazing. He knew we made plans to stop at three kids, but made a way for us to have a fourth...we didn't know that's what we wanted/needed...but he is the absolutely perfect addition to our family. As of today he is 13 days old, and I don't even recall life without him...(I mean, you know)...it just feels so natural to have him here, in our lives, in our family. His 2 brothers and his sister completely adore him, he has actually helped bring them somewhat together, they are fighting and arguing less with each other, and constantly wanting to help with baby Blake. I am tired, for sure, but blessed beyond what words could ever tell. Thank you, Jesus, for the sweet blessings of all four of our children, they are each so unique and I pray as they grow that they follow You and Your will for them. Life is good♥

Change is a comin'

In two days I am scheduled for an induction if I don't go into labor before then. I'm excited, anxious, and a bit frazzled. Where have the 9 months of pregnancy gone? With my other three pregnancies, it seemed to drag on forever, where this one has snuck by me incredibly fast. When I think about the pains, and sleeplessness, etc...it does seem like I've been dealing with it forever. But, when I think about pregnancy lasting 9 months, it feels like we just broke the news a few weeks ago to family and friends and we should still have a few months to go. Either way, the time is upon us. I don't think, wait, I KNOW, none of my other pregnancies have affected me emotionally near as much as this one has. Granted, there have been some other big things going on in our lives that have probably added to my emotional state, but still, this has been a bit of a rough go for me. I go between feeling ultimately blessed that the Lord chose to gift us with another sweet child, and then feeling overwhelmed. What does the Lord see in me that I don't? Doesn't he see me already struggling trying to do things "right" with the family I have, how am I ever going to succeed with yet another one thrown into the mix? But, I know that no matter what, the Lord is with me, He will help me through this just as He has every other thing in my life. I know He has a better, a greater, a more awesome plan for me...for my family. I love and trust in Him alone. So, I am nervous...I am a little worried...I'm even a bit scared...but I'm also hopeful, excited, and happy. I can't wait to meet this new life that is about to be here...one that David and I created with God's help. A new brother for Andrew, Joseph, and Isabel. I am dying to see who he takes after in the looks and personality departments. I am excited to see just who this little one is that the Lord has choose to add into our family. Whatever he looks like, whoever he acts like, I know he will be the perfect fit. So, tomorrow the other three kids start back to school, and the next day we bring a new baby into our lives. Change is DEFINITELY a comin' :-)

Wowza

First, I can't believe a little over 2 more weeks and the kiddos will be headed back to school. They have had a super long Summer, getting out back in May because of flex scheduling and not going back until after Labor day because of our new high school being built (which I can't wait to see, I've heard it's awesome!). I feel like my kiddos have been "jipped" this Summer. First, this Summer has been during my last trimester of pregnancy. A fat, hot, tired, pregnant woman doesn't make for much fun. I've had little to no energy and pretty much no patience. Usually we are much more active and doing this and that, so, I feel guilty, but hopefully we can make up for it next Summer. Also, we always take a vacation, and couldn't this year because of David's job situation.

Speaking of David's job, he is going to get to stay on longer than we though, which is a true blessing. However, his shift is changing to night. I am a bit stressed, because this means I will be solely responsible for dinner, bath, bedtimes, etc, along with caring for a newborn all night by myself. Not to mention, I'm used to having my hubby here, with us, home, at night. He will get home very early in the morning and won't be able to stay up long enough to take them to school, I'm sure. So, I will also have to get the other 3 up and ready and off to their different schools (riding the bus isn't an option since we live out of district), no matter how tired and crappy I look, LOL, or how much the baby has been up the previous night. So, we are definitely up for some challenges, and it won't be easy, but God hasn't failed us thus far, and I know He will continue to care and provide for us. If you feel so led, please say a prayer for our family during this time of transition. Again, I know we are still blessed, just going to take some getting used to. And, if you see me out in public, looking rather wretched, like I should've never left the house that way...please be kind anyway. :-)


Anyway, a couple of weeks back, my sweet friends threw me a baby shower. It was perfect! My cousin brought a cake in to town for the shower that her MIL made, it matches baby Blake's bedding (hope we don't change his name again LOL)

The one picture of me opening gifts where I wasn't making an absolutely hideous face (and too bad because I got some SUPER cute stuff)!

And, for some reason I didn't get enough photos with people, then again, I HATE taking photos..hate it, but I have to throw this one in there because it's me and my bf...we have been friends for about 17 years...our friendship has truly weathered so much, and I'm thankful for her...

*note the adorable corsage they had made for me in brown and blue flowers and baby stockings...loved it!

So, that about sums it up for now. I have a little over 3 weeks until my due date, and I have an appointment Monday, so I'm curious to see what the doctor says this week! I'm getting pretty anxious, and ready to meet the little boy who has been growing in my belly!

Catching up

All is going pretty good in the Ibarra household. I am 35 weeks pregnant, and while I don't feel awesome, I actually feel better this week than I have in the past few weeks. I woke up before dawn today, and that was after a night of tossing and turning, this belly refuses to let me get comfortable...but this past week I have managed to get a couple of decent nights sleep, which is SUCH a blessing. I had a checkup Monday, and everything looks good. Doc says this baby will probably be a bit bigger than our other 3 were...but since they were all in the 6 pound range, that doesn't mean a whole lot to me. I am getting really ready to meet this little man, we think his name is going to be Blake. The thing is, with my other pregnancies (and I think most women at this time?) you are busy, busy, busy, nesting and trying to prepare...but I have hardly any energy to do that. The house seems to get further behind, and it seems like I am just letting everything go. In the end it will all be fine, I'm sure, but for now I struggle between feeling bad about not accomplishing enough in a day to overdoing it and feeling yuck.

It seems all I talk about these days is pregnancy...of course, that is kind of my life! But, I have three other beautiful blessings...who will be starting back to school the first week of September. I can't believe it...and 8th grader, a 4th grader, and a Kindergartner...wow, how time flies! They are all doing really well and just enjoying the rest of their Summer break. We didn't get a vacation this Summer, which Lord knows there are more important things, but it was hard on us because we just really enjoy that time to get away from reality and have some super sweet family time. But, with David's job situation, we had to pass this year. Times are tough, but we are just trying to remain hopeful and faithful, knowing God's plan is sufficient, more than sufficient for us. Thank you, Lord, for your promises to take care of us! I am so ready to have this sweet baby boy and get a "somewhat" normal body back. Plus, I have been super moody and naggy this go-round, and my poor family has put up with enough!

So, in 5 weeks or less we should have a bouncing baby boy to add to the mix. We are looking forward to it, and I can't wait to see what else God has in store for our family in the upcoming months :-)

33 weeks

So, I'm pretty sure all I blog about these days is pregnancy. But, since there are never any comments, and the blogs I usually keep up with hardly ever have a new blog, I'm assuming my blogging friends rarely get on here anymore. Ahhh well. Anyhoo, I'm 33 weeks. 7 weeks until my due date. For the most part, thankful for a healthy baby and a healthy me. I am having quite a bit of pain and stuff I didn't have in my other pregnancies, but again, a small price to pay for the blessing that awaits me. I had a TINY bit of a scare the other day. This baby is SUPER active, all the time. On Sunday I noticed he wasn't moving much at all. I told my hubby, he said to call the doctor, but I said I was probably just paranoid and wanted to wait another day to see how it went. Well, the next day, Monday, he still wasn't moving much AT ALL. So, I called my doctor and figured he would say, "Oh that's normal, at this point they are running out of room, etc, etc". Nope, he told me to go up to L&D so they could monitor him. This freaked me out. Mainly because with my other 3 perfectly smooth pregnancies, I never had to do anything like that, I only went to the Dr for my regular appts. and to the hospital to give birth. I took the kiddos to my dad and drove myself to the hospital. I didn't even tell anyone what was going on at the time, because I was so afraid of "claiming" any problems there might be. Crazy, huh? Stupid, right? LOL. Anyway, once I got there and they hooked me up, baby boy still wasn't moving...freaking out a tad bit more. Then, the super sweet nurse came in with a device and said she was going to "buzz" him. I'm not sure if it shocked him or just sent him a vibe, made noise, or what...but about a minute later he really started moving. Thank you, Jesus! After a little more monitoring, they said I could go, that everything looked really good. My doctor came in and talked to me, told me I did the right thing, not to feel silly or anything of the sort. He told me some other interesting info, then said even if I needed to come back in tomorrow for the same thing, not to hesitate, that it's better to be safe than sorry, and that's what they are there for. He made me really good about everything. Anyway, everything is going pretty good. We have almost everything we need for baby boy (except a name). I am trying to "enjoy" the last few weeks of this pregnancy and not rush it, after all, it SHOULD be the last time I will ever be pregnant.

On another note, I am really impatient with my children, mainly my boys, because they bicker all day. I feel like it is a constant battle to get them to behave, get along, etc. I always relish our Summer breaks together, and I think this is the first Summer I've ever said this, but I am SO ready for school to start back. I feel like an awful mother saying that, but it's true. I just want a break, I'm exhausted. The thing is, this baby is due right when they are supposed to start back to school, so I don't see myself getting a break while I'm still pregnant. Fun times, huh?

Names

So, I have 9 weeks until my due date, and we are completely torn. Have I already blogged about this? Possibly so, I'm too lazy to look back, and quite frankly, I feel like I'm running out of town and this kid is just going to have a name "thrown" on it. Basically, I was liking Landon or Jude. David didn't like either, he likes Jacob or Cameron...I like neither. Our other kids have Biblical names (Andrew, Joseph, & Isabel). I didn't actually mean for it to be that way, but it happened, and now I can't find a Biblical name David and I can agree on. I googled a list of male Biblical names. We either don't like the same one, or know someone fairly close to us who already has the name. So, I can't decide weather I'm ok with that. Even if the first name isn't Biblical, we could choose a middle name that is, but I kind of wanted to go with Brewer for a middle name. Brewer is a family name, and my middle name, too. Lately, we thought about Eli. I like Blake, Cullen, Callum, Diego, Pablo, Manuel, Jaspar, Ezra, Abraham, Mateo, Cruz, and Corban. I know, a wide range of names, eh? I like several Spanish names, David doesn't...go figure. I don't want a name that's too...ummm, modern, I guess? Because my other kiddos have more classical names, but, I didn't mean for it to turn out like that either, and now I feel stuck. I told David this baby boy threw us for a loop, so it's ok if his name is a little different, too...but not sure he's going for that reasoning. Anyway, I am just absolutely lost on the names. I want to call this little man baking inside me something, makes it more personal when the guy kicking your ribs out has a name, ya know? Anyway, I am accepting any and all suggestions (though I'm not sure that will help me at this point). And, as silly as it may sound to some, I'm also accepting prayers that God would lay the right name on our hearts. :-)


"A GOOD name is rather to be chosen than great riches, and loving favour rather than silver and gold." Proverbs

29 weeks

Wow. 11 weeks to go with this pregnancy. CRAZY. Seems like I just found out...well, seems like I just started to accept the idea is maybe more like it?! Things are going well. I still haven't gained a whole lot (though I look like I have), but again, considering I started out QUITE A BIT heavier this time, that's a good thing that I haven't gone overboard this time (yet!). My belly has definitely GROWN. I feel him moving ALL THE TIME. We still don't have a name picked out. David still wants Cameron or Jacob, and I don't want either. My middle name is Brewer, it's a family name, and growing up I always thought it was more of a boy name...so I am very strongly considering it for a middle name for our fourth-born :-). Fourth-born, hehe, that sounds funny. I just bought a package of diapers/wet wipes last week, ordered a car seat, and had my cousin pick up a pack and play @ Target that was on sale...I'm way behind on getting ready for this little one. David only has about 2 more months of work, and I'm a tad bit stressed, but I know God already knew about ALL of this, and has a perfect plan for us. I'm praying that no matter what storms blow our way I will be able to keep my faith strong and continue to praise Him. I'm hoping that our other children do well with our new addition and the transition is at least somewhat smooth. I'm a tad bit freaked out about adding a fourth child to the mix, never felt that way before though...? I have had some MAJOR pain the last few days, called my doc and explained what was going on (trust me you don't want the details). He said to stay off my feet as much as possible...I did today and it has helped a little. I'm hoping to have a 3D sonogram in the next week or two, which I never had with the other ones. While I am SUPER excited about it, it's kind of freaking me out. Why would a 3D sonogram freak me out? Not real sure, it just does. It makes me nervous?! Anyway, for the most part, things are going good, fast, but good...so thankful for that :-)

Father's Day...

Yesterday we celebrated Father's Day. It was a GREAT day. We grilled out for the family, and I know D should have gotten the day off, but who else would've been able to man the grill? Well, actually it was a double grill kind of day (forgive the dust on the grills, it's the food on this inside that counts, right?)...


As D was grilling, I noticed my poor ferns hanging on the patio...I'm watering them, I promise...is it just too hot for them, or what? I don't know what to do?!
(pitiful, is it not?)

It was SO incredibly hot, I found our pooch, Kiki, sitting in front of the fan (who could blame her)...


We had lots of food, but my VERY favorite is corn on the cob from the grill...I can NOT get enough...(we had a ton, this is actually what was left..which D finished off later)

(See the scentsy warmer in the background? I finally talked myself into getting one, and LOVE it. I am currently using Paradise Punch, I think it's the scent of the month).

Izzyboo put on a shimmery dolphin tattoo that her brother got her...


After we ate, Joseph and Izzy got out a game that we played with them...


Anyway, we had a fabulous, relaxed day...it was filled with family, food, and thanks to God (really, I ask, what could be better)...
and I tried these for the first time, they added to the day, too...


Happy Father's Day to all you dads out there!

Replenishment

In church yesterday, some of what we talked about had to do with finding replenishment in the Lord, refreshing yourself with Him. I must admit, though most of you know, I’m ADD. I love my church, and we usually have awesome messages that I NEED to hear…but sometimes, I don’t hear it all. Sometimes, my mind drifts, and I’m left with a blank spot or hole in the lesson. It’s frustrating, but I’ve dealt with this all my life, so I’m somewhat used to it. The pastor talked about how when you are hot, thirsty, dry, incredibly parched…imagine how desperate you would be and how refreshing it would be to get a glass of cold water to drink. I can imagine it. It would feel like the best thing in the world. He then said imagine yourself, thirsty…not for water, but for more…the Lord is the only thing that can quench that. It was at this point my mind started to wonder (although he did say to imagine myself …not that I wasn’t “into” the sermon, not that I wasn’t getting anything from it, because I was, that’s just what my mind does. So, it was at this point, I imagined myself sitting across from myself, like a twin, or duplicate of me. Odd, I know, but stay with me. I pictured “me” how I see myself in the mirror…normal, I guess…and then “myself” sitting across from me. I looked at myself…I looked wrinkled, saggy, dry. I looked desperate, and lost. My hair and bones were brittle. It wasn’t pretty, in fact, it was hideous. It was uncomfortable to think about, but I was facing reality. “Myself” was parched, thirsty…in the worst way. I was desperate for the Lord. I needed Him to refresh/replenish me, and ONLY HE would do. I thought about how myself, was actually…me. That was me. That. Is. Me.

I need replenishment in the Lord. A new pair of shoes, and makeup won’t do it. Time at the spa won’t do it. Self help books won’t do it. My friends and even my family won’t do it. Even my church, just won’t cut it. Nothing can fulfill me like my Heavenly Father. The true King of Kings. I imagined, as I grow closer to Him, as I learn more about Him and what He wants for me, for my life, those ugly wrinkles will fade, moisture will come back and heal my skin and hair, I will grow stronger and more beautiful in spirit. I am thankful to be reminded of this. I love the Lord, and He is a huge part of my life…but He needs to BE my life. My life and myself are not always the prettiest picture, in fact on some days, it’s the furthest thing from it…but with God in my picture, in my life, it is So much more beautiful, so much better to look at.

Heavy heart

Ok, so this is my 3rd time to start this post, but it kept getting too emotional, and I had to start over. I just want to say that sometimes this world, is a sad, harsh place. Some days your heart just breaks. Some days are just too much. I don't understand it all. But, at the end of the day (or anytime of day), I have a Father in Heaven who I know loves me, loves us all, and weather we understand it or not, has all of our best interests at heart. Thank you, sweet Jesus. My friends, my "job", even my family...they may fail me, but You never will. Life on Earth, though full of blessings, is such a struggle. Lately, the song by Casting Crowns, Praise You in This Storm has constantly comforted me. The lyrics remind me, that no matter how rough it gets, He is still there, ever present and strong, and that we must continue to praise Him. So, Lord, we praise You...though some days we are lucky if we can even get the strength built up enough to be able to do that...we praise You. Comfort us and hold us close, guide us and keep us safe, until the day comes when we are with you forever and ever. We love you and we thank you. Come so quickly, Jesus.

Praise You in This Storm lyrics by Casting Crowns

I was sure by now
God You would have reached down
And wiped our tears away
Stepped in and saved the day
But once again, I say "Amen", and it's still raining

As the thunder rolls
I barely hear Your whisper through the rain
"I'm with you"
And as Your mercy falls
I raise my hands and praise the God who gives
And takes away

[Chorus:]
And I'll praise You in this storm
And I will lift my hands
For You are who You are
No matter where I am
And every tear I've cried
You hold in Your hand
You never left my side
And though my heart is torn
I will praise You in this storm

I remember when
I stumbled in the wind
You heard my cry to you
And you raised me up again
My strength is almost gone
How can I carry on
If I can't find You

But as the thunder rolls
I barely hear You whisper through the rain
"I'm with you"
And as Your mercy falls
I raise my hands and praise the God who gives
And takes away

[Chorus]

I lift my eyes unto the hills
Where does my help come from?
My help comes from the Lord
The Maker of Heaven and Earth

24 weeks

I had my 24 week appointment with my OB today, WOW, time flies. In 16 weeks, or less, I'll be holding a brand new healthy baby boy, God willing. I can't believe David and I will have four children. Quadruple WOW. My appointment went well. I've only gained about two pounds (I started out much heavier than with my other pregnancies so I am definitely hoping not to gain near as much) but the coming months will be HARD. I'm not really doing anything to avoid gaining weight, just not "over doing food". I eat when I'm hungry, and eat pretty much what I want, just try not to over indulge. I need to be walking, something, but I'm not. No one to blame but me, though! I have serious heartburn, but thankfully the headaches and nausea have subsided for the most part, thank you, God! I have this really annoying thing where my arm/arms fall "asleep" while I'm asleep. It hurts/tingles so bad that it wakes me up at night. My OB said it was from retaining fluid and the pressure it puts on my nerves or something like that. I NEVER had this with my other three. I'm thinking it's maybe because I'm older and more out of shape this time. Ahh, the joys of pregnancy. So....so far, so good for the most part.

Aside from that, just want to throw in how proud I am of my boys! They both got commended on their TAKS...YAY. So, they are out of school for Summer. The sad part is Izzy's grade is not TAKS eligible and she has to go for two more weeks, she doesn't like it and neither do I! Because of the new high school being built we won't go back until after Labor Day, right about the time I'm due to have this little one. It is going to be a loooong, hot Summer! Pool, here we come :-)

My home &...my home...

My aunt is in this week helping me organize my house. I am absolutely grateful for it, too! I am horrible at this kind of thing, and she is great! I have to admit I am a bit overwhelmed worrying if we will have enough time to get it done (I know you are all thinking, be thankful for what she can do and do the rest yourself! That's just not how I roll LOL). But, things are already looking up, can't wait to have it done, and PRAYING to sweet Jesus above that I can keep it in order and that my hubby & kids are able to also help keep it up! A family of 6 with only 3 bedrooms, surely the Lord has a reason for this! Haha

On a totally different note, there are a couple of Caring Bridge sites I keep up with, and I'm sure I've blogged about it before. I am torn between not reading them, because it absolutely breaks my heart, and I think I don't even need to read this, but then I do want to know how they are and what to specifically pray for, so I continue. There are SO many awful things in this world, and it's especially sad when it involves an innocent child. I just can't imagine one of my 3 (soon to be 4) children having to battle for their life as I sit there helplessly watching. It kills me just to consider the possibility...it hurts. I want to take the pain away for those families suffering through it, but I can't. There are times when I start to doubt, and even cry out to the Lord, "Why must these sweet,beautiful,innocent children suffer? WHYYYYYY, LORD?" But, then I have to spend time in prayer and realize that this world isn't our home, it's not perfect here, it's full of evil, sickness, and sadness. It's full of hurt, worries, and troubles. But, if we put our trust and hope in HIM, one day we WILL be in a world void of all that negative stuff. We will never watch a child, or anyone, suffer ever again. Thank You, Lord, that this Earth is NOT our permanent home. Thank you for your promises of Heaven. When I remind myself of this, it's not any easier to hear the sad stories, but it does give me peace knowing what the future hold for those who believe.

So for now, I am off to get ready for my aunt to arrive for the day, so we can get busy (on top of having a sick baby home from school, well, he's 9, but he's still my baby). It's only 9am and I've already been emotional and deep this morning, how's that for starting off your day?!

Praying...

It's amazing how you can read a book, then pick it up to read again, and think, "I don't remember reading that". Anyway, I picked up The Power of a Praying Parent last night and read just a little ways into it before I could no longer hold my eyes open. I pray, I like to pray, it makes me feel "covered", I especially like to pray for my children. I have heard it asked, and been asked myself, "Why do we have to pray? I mean, if God knows our every want, need, desire, etc, why?" The truth is, I didn't know the exact reason, I know the Lord tells us to pray, and I feel good when I'm doing it, and and I want to obey the Lord. But last night while reading, I came across a great answer...

"God knows our thoughts and needs, but He responds to our prayers. That's because He always gives us a choice about everything, including whether we will trust Him and obey by praying in Jesus' name"

So, there you have it. Yes, he knows our needs, but we have free will. We don't have to follow or obey Him, including His request for us to pray for our needs. But, if you believe in Him, and desire to live for Him, then you want to obey Him, which includes praying and petitioning Him to cover us in all areas.
When we pray, it is also important to include scripture, because it is including God's promises in our requests. And, we always need to pray "In Jesus' name"...John 16:23 "Most assuredly, I say to you, whatever you ask the Father in My name He will give you".
So, I encourage you to pick up the book, even the praying Wife version, or any version. We, as humans, have the desire to know why we need to do this or that, we are not that great (at least I'm not) at following and obeying without explanation. These books are great for that.
I hope to finish this book in the next few days, and be refreshed in my desire to pray even more :-)

Happy Birthday to me...

So, Friday was my birthday. My hubby and I got to go (alone!) to Canton. Fun! I haven't been in years, and it has grown So much. There was SO much cute stuff, I wanted to do a walk through, and then decide what I really wanted, and go back and get those specific things. The thing was, after almost 5 hours of being there, my feet were KILLING me, and we STILL hadn't made it through the whole place. Oh. My. Lawd. I was too tired to even try and go find the stuff I originally thought I wanted. I ended up with a tote bag. A tote bag, people. Oh, and a CA-UUUTE Mother's Day gift for my Mom. Also, as much stuff there is that I dream about going back and buying...ain't gonna happen...because it was hot that day, and it's only going to get hotter. I have a heat rash (which I have NEVER had) down both sides of my face...pitiful. The Lord just didn't build me to withstand the heat, unless there is a pool nearby. Anyway, I had a blast, and David and I NEEDED the time alone. It never fails to amaze me that after 15 years together, we still have plenty to talk about. So, happy birthday to me...I am really looking forward to what the Lord has in store for me/my family this next year.

Confessions of a teenage drama queen SAHM...

This post is somewhat a confession post. Not that you're the priest, or that "Hail Mary" will make it any better. Cause it won't.
I have a problem. My first problem, that I think is the root cause of what I want to confess is that I'm ADD, I'm scattered, don't do good with planning, or sticking to a schedule. Plan ahead? What's that?

I have always dreamed about meal planning. Where I could buy the groceries I need for those certain meals of the week, etc, and cook them up. Cook up some chicken, use half for chicken and dumplings, and the save the other part for tomorrow's crock pot recipe. Make two casseroles at once instead of one, and freeze one for a later date. That what I WISH I could do. But, instead, I go buy groceries, just whatever jumps out at me. So, now I have the groceries in the house, but, I wait so late in the day to decide, that either I don't have time to prepare what I want, something doesn't have time to thaw, etc. So, we go out to eat, or I cook some frozen or boxed meal. Yum.

Or not.

I looooove cooking, but I hate cleaning up afterwards, and I'm no good at the planning part. I need serious help. So, the main part of my confession is this, I waste stuff. This week alone I had to throw out 2 pounds of ground beef, fresh green beans (that were meant for a delicious Pioneer Woman recipe), and asparagus (and that stuff ain't cheap)! That should be a sin, heck, I'm pretty sure that IS a sin. I've bought that stuff with my hubby's hard earned money, and then have to throw it out. Let's not even take into account that there are starving people in the world, or those meals would be much healthier for us than whatever CRAP we end up eating out somewhere.

I'm SO ashamed, but don't know how to improve it. I'm SICK of wasting. It's even more of an issue now that David's job is on the line and we are expecting another baby (which I'm supposed to find out the sex of today!!!).

So, since I love the Internet, and especially blogs, so much...I'm thinking there has got to be a site where some incredibly opposite of me woman plans meals, etc and then has time to blog about it, so, my new goal is to FIND that site, and pretty much follow it (unless they have something nasty, like meatloaf). Wondering if I'll stick to it? Hide and watch...just HIDE AND WATCH!

What a man...

..or boy. Either way, he's mine. Joseph, my 2nd born son. I have to say that he is defiantly (thus far) the most dimensional of my children. Just when I think I have him pegged, he throws me for a loop. I am pretty sure he's a one of a kind. Sometimes that's good, sometimes it's bad, and sometimes it's a total blessing. The other day we were @ my Mamaw's (ok, it used to be my Mamaw's, but she now resides in the Kingdom of Heaven, and my dad is temporarily living there at her house, so really, I guess it's his house, but I just can't call it anything but Mamaw's). Anyway, My Mamaw has various flowers she had planted in her yard, that still bloom (God gave us memories so that we might have roses in December...even though it's not quite December), but the flowers just remind me of her beauty, inside and out. So, Joseph tells me he wants to pick one for me, and I said sure, but only pick one. He brought me a rose, pink and yellow, the colors were gorgeous. I know there's a specific name for this rose, but I'm not the one to ask about that. I was admiring it's beauty, and of course I had to smell it. I WISH right now, I had a scratch and sniff blog, so you could smell this flower...it was heavenly. I smelled it all the way home, and have lifted it up to smell it several times since, it smells SO good. It's like I remember how good it smelled, and I don't believe it was quite that good, so I have to prove it to myself by smelling it again, and it never fails, it smells SO GOOD! Scratch and Sniff, people!



Also, a while back he went to his grandparents and came home with these sticks. I asked him, "Do you really need to bring those home? They look sharp and scary, I'd rather you leave them here". "MOOOOOOOOOOOOOMMMM, I carved these for you!" "You carved these, from wood, with a knife, on your own?" "YES!" "Wow, you are one talented child, I need to see if we can find a wood carving class for you...although those sharp points still scare me".





That's my (little) man, people!

All the little ponies...

A few weeks back, my sweet friend, Melissa, invited us out to her in-laws barn/land to see some new colts. Except for Andrew, Isabel and Joseph have never really been in this kind of environment...and they loved it. The weather was perfect that day, everyone was in a good mood, and it was a great time! The horses were beautiful, and the baby colts were adorable. My favorite was when this HUGE horse (forgot his name) kept reaching his nose/mouth through the gate and unlatching it, he wanted to come out and play! Fortunately, they knew this horse like to do that, and they had it wired shut so he couldn't get out. They said that a while back, not only did he let himself out, but opened another horses pin as well, and they went off gallivanting around. I got a kick out of that. Anyway, here are some pics from the day...
















Such fun...and they finally got to put their boots that their Mimi got them for Christmas to good use!

Broken arms...well, kind of...

Isabel had been obsessed with having a broken arm lately. One of her little friends from school broke her arm a few weeks ago, and I'm pretty sure that's where they obsession came from. We have been wrapping it up in a "cast". Then, yesterday while Izzy was playing with Rissa (my niece) they decided to puts casts on, and then my dad ripped up old dish towels and made "slings" for them. They LOVED it. I explained to Izzy, it's ok to pretend, but she would not really want to break her arm. I told her how painful it was for Joseph when it happened to him a few years ago, and that she would NOT like it if it was real. She wanted to sleep in the get-up and wear it to school today, which I would NOT allow, and she threw a fit. She even insisted on putting her "sling" in her backpack (hey, you have to pick and choose your battles)! I took this pic with my phone, so it's super bad quality, but they were so cute and having such a good time, I couldn't resist!

Egg Hunt 2010

Vacation in Paradise

I could really use a vacation. However, I'm quite sure, given the current situations, that isn't gonna happen anytime soon. And I'm OK with that, but a girl can dream, right? There are TONS of places I would love to go and see, to visit. Tons. For a while though, my "dream" vacation has been Greece. Why? I'm not exactly sure. In pictures the water looks GORGEOUS. The landscape and building look fabulous, it all looks clean and crisp, natural yet a bit lux without being over the top. It seems like everyone would be tan, and of course I'd be tan, too, just because, ya know, I'd be in Greece. It seems laid back, which is SO opposite of life here. It just seems like a fabulous, beautiful, special place to go. The other day I was thinking about how fab it would be if I were to go to Greece, then I got to thinking about how God made Greece. The water, the terrain, the people...He made it what it is, He dreamed it up and made it happen, all of it. So, then I was thinking about how, if he made a beautiful place like that, here on Earth, Holy Lord what must Heaven be like? He promises it to be perfect, wayyy better than Earth, and while this place can be crazy, it's also full of beauty. I think of all the wonders and beauty He put on this Earth for us to enjoy, then I imagine this is just a small taste, it can't be anything compared to the Paradise that awaits us. I know I can't even wrap my mind around it, but I trust and know it will be beyond wonderful...beyond my wildest, most vibrant dreams. WOW. WOW. WOW!!! I am so thankful I serve such a good God. Who knows, one day before my time on Earth is up, it's possible, I may visit Greece. But, if I never set foot over there, I KNOW I have Heaven waiting on me, I don't have to be good enough, just saved, and I don't have to be rich enough, and I don't have to store up brownie points to get in. So, I'll continue to dream and wish and hope, but it's enough just knowing Paradise is in my future...MORE than enough. The ultimate dream vacation awaits those who believe! Woohoooooo!

Easter, etc...

We had Easter @ our house, and up until the day before, I didn't even know what to cook...I went from pulled pork to brisket, to grilling burgers...and ended up with sandwiches and finger foods...NO cooking except the chocolate pies David made. Everyone brought stuff, so we shared the "burden", and we had tons of eggs for the kids to hunt. It was really a good get together. I thought about all the other years/times I've stressed over get togethers...yea, not worth it. Being unexpectedly pregnant with #4 and the thought of David being laid off from work in a couple months constantly looms in my mind...it makes the little things, like what we are going to eat for get togethers, seem just that...little, unimportant, definitely not worth stressing over. I mean, I definitely want to get together with family, just don't have the energy to stress over it. Church was fantabulous (as always) for our Easter service. David and I were nipping at each other that morning, and I thought what a great attitude to have on Easter Sunday, totally ashamed of my attitude. After church, my husband apologized, and so did I, it was a great day.

So, I am 4 months pregnant, starting my 5th month and in 3 weeks the Dr. is going to try and tell us what we are having. Hopefully baby will cooperate. I am bummed about not getting to add some more space onto the house right now. We are going to have to wait with everything going on with David's job, and I know it's the right decision, but we are already tight on space, and I have to admit, it bothers me. TRYING to be thankful. Thankful. Thankful for every blessing.

Right now I should be putting clean laundry away (and washing more dirty laundry), but I needed a vent session, a release, so here I sit, typing away. I woke up missing my G-ma and Mamaw incredibly bad. I take such comfort knowing they are hanging out with Him, on streets of gold, but, Dear God, I miss them. I feel like sitting and talking with them, sharing a pot of coffee or lunch, just enjoying time with them, would do a world of good for me right now, but I know that isn't possible. I know I have them in my heart, and they have me in theirs, so that will have to suffice.

Hope you all had a super blessed Easter, as Pastor Jason said...You can go visit the tomb/remains of Muhammad, Buddha, etc (sp?), but you can't visit the tomb of Jesus Christ, because He is Risen. He is a living, true God!! Blessings :-)

So, today I was purchasing stuff for the kids' Easter basket. As I stood in the checkout line, I thought to myself, "how did it come to this". Easter is my favorite holiday. Jesus dies for our sins, he took our wretched place, and he did it gladly, without bragging or "look what I'm doing for you"...I think He felt/feels a true compassion and love for us. No, I know He does. He loves us. He loves me. He loves my children. He loves my parents. He loves people I do not love. He loves the unlovable. He is good, and perfect. So, Easter is to celebrate the amazing thing Jesus did for us, to remember He died on the cross, and He rose three days later. He rose from the grave, for us. So, as I was purchasing the candy and trinkets, I felt ashamed. The same way I feel at Christmas when I'm buying gifts. It's not that I think Jesus really cares if we fill an Easter basket for our kids, or buy gifts at Christmas, because I don't think He does. What bothers me, is I think most people, including myself, place more emphasis on the gift part, than the important part, the real part, the God part. Sure, we talk about Jesus' birth, and Him dying for our sins, but most of those holidays are spent doing "human" stuff. I am ashamed that I fall in with the crowds when it comes to this. I want to honor and worship Him, and let the gifts and goodies be a side note, instead of the opposite. I will continue to fill baskets and stockings, unless I am otherwise convicted at a later date, but I will also put even MORE emphasis on what Jesus has done for us, and continues to do daily. Because of Him, my children, my loved ones, and myself have a spot in Heaven that is ready for the taking, all we have to do is open our hearts. Happy Easter to all!

Yay for Izzyboo

This past week, they gave out awards at Isabel's gymnastics class. She got a medal and 6 ribbons...she was THRILLED, to say the least, and we are so proud of her! She enjoys gymnastics so much, I'm praying once all this job stuff happens with David, that we are able to keep her in it, but I know there is a good possibility that we will not. So, I am already praying that things that we are used to and have to cut out, that it will not be hard for us to give up, but will instead, embrace the plans God has for us. Easier said than done, for sure. Anyway, for now we will just enjoy the blessings we do have, and try not to focus on the negative. God is good :-)

whirl of emotions...

I am in a total whirl of emotions right now. While I have been hearing the Lord tell me lately to accept my life just AS IT IS, and be happy with it, to be thankful for it, that has all been taken to a whole new level. Yesterday, my husband attended a meeting at work, that left him with uncertainty about his job. I didn't believe the words I was hearing at first, I knew they couldn't be true...we are about 5 1/2 months away from bringing a new life into this world...there's no way they could be laying off people at my husband's job, not with the dedicated 11 years he's had there. But, it actually is true. The past two days have been a whirl. I've gone from total fear and confusion, to total peace with being in the Lord's hands, and back again, many times already. I'm at a loss, I'm confused with what the Lord has planned for us, but also trusting and hopeful. I'm praying I don't get angry. I'm praying I don't. I'm praying I will do as His word says, and praise Him, as we go through even MORE trials than I thought we were having to go through. I'm not sure what He has in store for us, maybe a better life, maybe a harder life, maybe a richer life, maybe a poorer life. I'm just not sure. I know He loves me, and that's about it for now, so I'm trying to cling to that. We will not talk to our children until it is closer to time, I don't want them worrying about anything. My husband said he just "felt" everything was going to turn out good, he is such a comfort to me, and I'm so thankful for him. Lord, help me to continue to praise you through this storm.

Feeling...

Tired. Stressed. Confused. Nauseated. Fat. Lost. Tearful. Upset. Sad. Mad. Energy-less (is that a word). Down. That's how I've been feeling.
I am ashamed of feeling that way, but yet I can't (or won't...or a mixture of both) change it. God has been whispering in my ear a LOT lately...to be thankful for exactly what I have in this life, exactly where I am in this life, and exactly who is in this life with me. No give and take, no ups and downs, no ifs ands or buts...he is encouraging me to be thankful for MY life EXACTLY as it is. It's like I hear Him (I do hear Him), but I won't fully let Him come in. This pregnancy has really thrown me for a loop, as if I wasn't already roaming this Earth without a clue. Why? Why? Why? I absolutely do love this life inside me, I do, but I'm just wondering why...and how we are going to do it. And...it's much easier for others to say and expect and encourage, than it is for me to actually do. But, I'm trying my best (ok, not really my best, but I am putting forth an effort) to muster the energy to tackle this commandment from Him full on. He wants me to be thankful we are cramped in this house, and that we are bringing a 6th person (a 4th child) to live here. Be thankful for being absolutely scared about this new Health care bill. Be thankful for the daily stresses and problems and trials I face. Be thankful I have a 2 day a week job that I complain about. Be thankful my kids know how to say "Mom" (even if it is 50 times a day). Actually, people, the list goes on and on and on.
So, honestly, the emotions and feeling listed in the beginning, will probably continue to ring true, but I am going to try and be thankful for them...along with a little more Hopeful. Trusting. Blessed. Loved. and Thankful, don't forget Thankful. Yup, that's how I'm feeling today.

What's in a name?

Ok, so I have roughly 6 months to go in this pregnancy, plenty of time for names, but I'm searching and searching, and coming up with nothing! I have scoured the name book and the internet. The problem is that I'm picky and that David and I agree on nothing.

David picked Andrew's name. i planned on him going by "Drew", but it just never stuck. I wasn't that fond of the name, but I picked the middle name, Reed, which I know don't care for now (but loved then), and though Andrew isn't my favorite name ever, I love it on my son, couldn't imagine him going by anything else. His great grandfather in Mexico, had the name Andres, the Spanish form of his name. He was only around him a few times, but I feel like it connects him to that side of his family.

I picked Joseph's name. David's dad and brother (ok, let's face it, every Hispanic family has about 10 Jose's) are Jose' and I wasn't necessarily naming him after them, it just fit..ya know? My grandfather, who passed away when I was little (but was a cool guy), we called him Pappa Joe. His name wasn't Joseph, but again, it gave me that reminder, that connection.

We argue that we both picked Isabel's name. LOL. For months, while she was still in my belly, Isabel was going to be Olivia. But, Isabel just felt right. Isabel is David's moms name...plus I love the name, plus, I read it was a Spanish form of our Elizabeth, which is used alot on my mom's side of the family (my mom, grandmother, and great grandmother all have it in their names).

So, even though our kids all have, what I think, are traditional names, I didn't really pick them because of that. I don't think? I like them because even if they aren't directly named the same exact name of someone else, they still remind me, or give me the idea of that person. Plus, I like that there are "Spanish forms" of their name. When we go to Mexico, family usually call them, Andres, Jose, and Isabel. I tend to like more true Spanish names, David does not. I love names like Pablo and Paloma, David hates them. My family hates them, they say, (jokingly) "Move to Mexico if you are going to name your kid that!" I feel like since the other three have somewhat traditional names, I can't just go off the cliff with something crazy, it would just be odd for me. There are a select FEW girl names I have come across that I like, and NO boy names. Well, the couple I did like, David nixed REALLY quickly.

Plus, when it comes to names, EVERYONE has an opinion, so I'm thinking if I find a name David and I truly like, we may keep it to ourselves until the baby gets here. That way, you may not like it, but once the name is chosen people aren't usually so negative. Although, I'm not sure if I'm strong enough to do that. I didn't want to find out the gender of the baby, but David has pretty much talked me into it by pulling the, "We won't know what kind of things/colors to buy". See, ladies? It's the shopping thing...gets a girl every time. I don't have a preference on the gender, for once, so, I thought it would be neat to be surprised when I give birth to it. However, I guess whenever I find out, regardless, it will be a surprise.
So, I'm off to scour just a little more, see if I can come up with a few more name combinations.

That way, you know, David can nix them and we can start all over again.

This past week, someone said something that offended me. I know, shocker, right? The thing is, people rarely say stuff that is offensive to me (well, at least that is directed towards me), and in the rare instance that it happens, I'm the type that knows my blessed lot in this life and can pretty easily just ignore it. However, I have this thing going on that adds fuel to my fire...pregnancy hormones. Yea, those.

Anyway, I can honestly say I don't think it would have really bothered me if I wasn't so emotional right now. But, I am, and it did, and I was really upset. Really ticked. As a Christian, I knew I should just pray for the person (and I did) and move on. But, as a hormonal woman, I didn't do so well with that. I thought of several incredibly tacky (yet very true) things to say to this person. As I thought about what I would say, I could feel myself grow with pride thinking, "Ha! That will shut her up for sure"! Then, a feeling of guilt would wash over me, ashamed that I was even thinking of saying those things. I would do dishes, and find myself thinking of something to say back, then realize God doesn't want me thinking, feeling, or acting this way, and I'd move on. Then, I'd be doing laundry, surfing the net, driving to pick up the kids, whatever...and the same thing would happen. It happened several times yesterday, and even once this morning. The tacky thoughts just kept coming back. I knew better than to actually say them, but it's like I couldn't stop myself from thinking it. I thought to myself, "Is the Lord upset with me? He can't be upset with me. I mean, I didn't actually say any of it, and there wasn't any profanity involved with what I wanted to say, and hey, it was even all true stuff, I wasn't making any of it up."

But I know that an offense made in the heart, is an offense all the same.

And, even though that person did say something "not nice", I know they are not where I am in my walk with the Lord (not that I don't have a long way to go), I know they were probably just venting out of frustration with their own life. I'm really ashamed I didn't do MORE praying, and less negative thinking. But, I'm going to take it as a personal lesson from the Lord. Yet another area my life needs molding by Him. Lord, help me to grow and please you in this area of my life.

My life has been a true roller coaster lately (insert pregnancy hormones, yet again) and I'm incredibly thankful I have Him to cling to...

Spilling the frijoles...

So, I was going to do a whole creative thing on my blog to spill the beans, or frijoles, that I was pregnant. But, since not too many people read, I decided to just blog about how I shared it with my family. David wanted to get Izzy a shirt that said, "Big Sister" and see who noticed first. But, I'm a procrastinator...and didn't get one done in time. So, this past Friday we cooked out at our house, and after everyone ate, we sat them all down and told them we had something to share. I have to admit, they all looked a little freaked out. I wrote the news in bits and pieces on Post-it notes, and gave everyone one to read, but they couldn't open the note until it was their turn. I have pics of the note, but so sad I didn't take pictures of their faces...it was priceless. However, my thought process wasn't really in tune, as I was trying my darnedest not to break down in tears.





After they read the last one, they all just started at us. No one said anything, but I know they were all thinking, "But David had a vasectomy"??? So, to ease the "discomfort", I blurted out, "The vasectomy failed"!!! Everyone sat, in shock, for a couple of minutes. But, soon to follow, were smiles, hugs, and congrats. It was sweet. Everyone truly seemed thrilled, as have most people I've talked to since then. The shock is still here, with David and I, because we thought we had made permanent plans to NOT have anymore children. But, the shock is less and starting to wear off, and happiness and accepting the Lord's blessings is starting to take it's place. We know God has a special plan for us, for this baby, this new life that David and I have helped create. We are thankful He knows better than we. So, we are busy gearing up for the ride, one we never thought we'd be on again. Gearing up to be a family of 6! And, ever so thankful God is on the ride with us, or better yet, that he is in control and running the ride. Good times!

Random

So, I found a link to a blog where a family of 5 lives on $1000 a month (or less) and it was so interesting, but for some reason, I didn't save the link. I got to thinking about it earlier, and I did a search for it. All I could come up with was where it had been deleted. Really? Bummer! Maybe I was looking in the wrong place and it will pop back up?

I am loving Pizza Hut's $10 pizzas. I love veggie supreme (and adding peperoni sometimes), I may turn into a pizza. Actually, I would love a slice or 2 right now. Have you ever tried the Supremo sandwiches from there? Yum.
Isabel just turned 5 and she has been sleeping in our bed since she was about 2, when she learned to climb out of her crib. It honestly doesn't bother David or I that she likes to sleep with us (well, occasionally), and our doctor seems to think as long as we are ok with it, then it's ok. She has her own room/bed, and I was beginning to think it was a waste. Then about two weeks ago, she decided to start sleeping in her bed. What? Amazing. We didn't have to coax, bribe, threaten, or anything! She doesn't even wake up and end up in our bed in the middle of the night. She sleeps in her bed, all night, and wakes up in a great mood! Thank you, Lord. Again, I wasn't in any rush for this to happen, but thankful that it happened so easily and that she is ready, and it is nice to get to snuggle with my hubs.

I've been daydreaming about the beach, I miss it. I wish I was there. I'm sad that David couldn't get any vacation time scheduled over the Summer, when the kids are out of school. I'm trying to be super thankful (and I am) that he has a job, and we can pay bills, eat (woohoo), etc, when so many people are struggling and the economy is so bad, but Lordy I miss the beach. I miss seeing my tanned kiddos playing in the surf, digging in the sand, without a care in the world. Good times.
It's 10:00 and I'm still awake. Amazing. For the last month or so I can not stay awake past 8:30...I am always So tired. I've even taken naps a couple different times...which is not like me, because usually when I take a nap during the day, it ruins the rest of the day, I'm groggy, etc...but what can I say? I have just NEEDED some extra sleep.

I guess I should head to bed now, David just went, and 6 am will come too soon, I'm sure.

How was this blog for random? That's how my brain has felt lately (well, always, but lately it's been bad). Hope everyone has a fabulous week!

In progress...

Ok, so not referring to just one thing here, because MANY things in my life are in progress. I still have a fascinating (from my point of view) story to share, but because of some certain things, I'm going to have to put it off a little longer. So, on to other things for the moment being...
Right now I'm reading Crazy Love, borrowed from my sweet friend, Amy, thankyaverymuch. I've only just started, and it's challenging FOR SURE. I can tell it's one of those that will require a second reading to get the full effect. I just read the "lukewarm" chapter. Yikes, God asks us to be hot or cold, not lukewarm...but so many ARE lukewarm. If you are into reading, check this book out, I will definitely have to touch more on it later.
On a sad note, a young lady of only 31, passed away. I didn't know her, but know people/read blogs that know her. She's only a YEAR older than me. She thought she had the flu...it was pneumonia (still didn't sound bad when you are talking about an otherwise normal, healthy person), then sepsis, then one bad thing after another. She died today. She had a husband, and a young daughter. My heart aches. From what I understand, she was a Christian, so she is whole, healed, and beyond happy, living it up with God, Himself, as I type this very moment. But, I can't help but think of her loved ones left here, and how much they must miss her, and how deep their heart must hurt, even if they are of strong faith. I must say...I, personally, do NOT fear death for myself. At all. But, if I died now, or soon, I still have young children, and I fear for them. They need their Mommy. They need my guidance, my protection, my love...the kind that ONLY I can give. That aspect of death scares me to no end. So, I know this lady, Jenny, is ok, more than ok, wayyyy more than ok. But again, my heart breaks for those left here who have a rough road of healing in front of them. I'm praying for them.
So between hearing about this lady and reading the book, I've about filled my quota of deep thoughts on life for the month...my brain is tired. My whole BODY is tired, so off to an early bedtime...catch you bloggers later!